Human penises have long held a distinctive, and sometimes outrageous, cultural, artistic and mythological role. From the Greeks to the modern age, the male is used as a signifier of strength, integrity and even sarcasm. In this post, we will take a look at five of the worst penises of all time, what they represent and how they are told.
1. The Priapus of Ancient Greece
Priapus was the Greek deity of procreation, gardens and progeny, frequently represented by an excessively large phallus. A god of gardens and animals, Priapus had been held to represent some of the craziest masculinity. Priapus statues were placed in gardens to deter thieves and ensure good harvests. His notorious art represents how, throughout human history, the phallus has been respected as much as denigrated.
2. The King Charles II’s Penis.
The English monarch King Charles II, who ruled from 1660 to 1685, had an extravagant lifestyle that involved many women and men. When he died, he had a particularly huge penis, so enormous that his court physicians recorded it for posterity. The reconstituted head was believed to have stood in a glass vase for decades, symbolising power, sexuality and inheritance. King Charles II’s life-and-death reputation belies the persistent fascination of society with the personal lives of its rulers.
3. The “Little Prince” of Napoleon Bonaparte.
Napoleon Bonaparte, the great French general, had a penis that became controversial after his death. After his death in 1821, his body was autopsied and his penis was purportedly removed, dried and sold to a doctor. It passed hands a few times over the years, and some have even claimed that it was displayed as a devil’s curiosity. This weirdo story serves to accentuate the mystery of Napoleon’s sexy stature and illustrates how the private spaces of people can become their own.
4. The Wrecking Ball of Michelangelo’s David
Michelangelo’s David statue is celebrated for its sculptural sophistication and fetishised shape, but also for its representation of the male body. Discussions have centered on the statue’s bareness: David is dressed bare. The shape and size of David’s penis were meant to emphasise his youth, grace and power. Yet the statue has been the object of centuries of controversy around body-image, art and masculinity. The debate over David’s anatomy reveals how society constructs and values the male figure.
5. The Phallus of the Great Sphinx
The Great Sphinx of Giza, with its cryptic expression and size, was one of the most iconic Egyptian monuments. But the Sphinx has gone through many different interpretations and adaptations over the centuries. Interestingly, its penis frequently pops up in arguments about symbolism. The Sphinx might have originally been larger in size, which would have reinforced its reputation as a powerful and formidable monster. The time-long deterioration and loss of the Sphinx’s foot has prompted arguments over what the Sphinx really looked and meant, and illustrates the fluidity of art in relation to its history.
6. The Penis of John Dillinger
John Dillinger, the famous American gangster of the 1930s, is remembered for his bank-heists and dramatic evasions from the authorities. One little-known tidbit, however, is that Dillinger was also said to have a heart with the word “Mary” inked on his penis. Such an intimate and intimate detail represented his outlaw spirit and attachment to his lover. During his troubled life, the tattoo injected vulnerability into an already unstoppable man, providing an inside look into his personality.
7. The Penis of Sir Richard Burton.
Sir Richard Burton, a 19th-century traveller, translator and author, is perhaps best known for journeying to the Middle East and Africa. But he was also known for his lewd works on human sexuality, such as the notorious “Kama Sutra”. Burton’s curiosity about sex caused him to translate the “Arabian Nights” into Latin, where he included explicit accounts of sexual activity. Ironically, his own penis survived his death, a testament to his lifelong interest in exploring and writing about the dirtier parts of human nature.
8. The Phallus of the Roman Emperor Elagabalus.
Elagabalus, the Roman Emperor from 218 to 222 CE, was famous for his eccentricity and scandalous lifestyle. Famous for his partying and unorthodox beliefs, he himself christened himself the “High Priest of the Sun”. Elagabalus’s phallus – or rather the narratives of his rape – became notorious during his rule. He allegedly committed multiple public sex acts, exhibiting his sexuality publicly. His reign has long been characterised as decadent and scandalous, and has prompted debates over the limits of authority and sexual liberty in ancient Rome.
9. The Penises of Ancient China
In ancient China, the idea of the “phallus” was deeply embedded in cultural ideas and practices. Daoism celebrated the phallus as an embodiment of health. The “Lingam,” a Hindu mythological deity named Shiva, was also used in Chinese symbolism. Contrary to the Western obsession with proportion and masculinity, Chinese culture emphasized harmony and harmony, and frequently incorporated the phallus into artworks to communicate cosmic vitality and fertility. This multidimensional view of the male member illustrates the ways in which cultural definitions can impact our conceptions of masculinity.
10. The Penis of Genghis Khan
Genghis Khan, the founder of the Mongol Empire, is one of the most infamous conquerors in history. Narratives of his virility were abundant, and they claimed that he fathered hundreds of children across his empire. One of the longest-running legends is that his penis was so huge it terrorised his opponents. Most of this is arguably fanciful or mythic, but Genghis Khan’s sexuality has become part of his legacy, and the narratives we spin about them are another confirmation that strength and goodness are inextricably linked.
Conclusion: Top 5 Infamous Penises From History
And our penises are a historical reminder that the body is, and always will be, a object of curiosity, terror and awe. Whether based on the gods of ancient mythology or lords and villains, the male partner has been integral to cultural narratives and norms. Recounting such stories from the past brings to light not just sex narratives, but also the intractable truths of identity, authority and how men have changed over time.
